Well, today was a boring day... All I did was work, read, and play with my yoyo. Well, here is a revised description of my dad.
My dad, there are enormous amounts of thoughts that come to mind when I think of him, but these are the most important physical and mental attributes.
My dad is a pretty average looking person, no deformities or anything. There is much stubble on his face, enough so that his face is very rough and spiky. But in contrast to his face, his smile is very caring and warm. He stands at a comfortable height, not towering over you, but not too short that you have to bend over to talk to him.
My dad is usually at ease with himself, especially when he talks to guests. Maybe a little too at ease. With family members, he is very impatient. Absentmindedness is his specialty, which causes him to procrastinate a lot. When he is, in fact, thinking he thinks very methodically, step by step.
Aloha from Hawaii!
ReplyDeleteI like how you did away with the list problem of repetitive "he" uses, but you're now faced with problems of awkward phrasing.
For example: "When his is, in fact, thinking he thinks very methodically."
Also, no one uses the phrase, "Absentmindedness is his specialty," because it just quite doesn't work.
Read the paragraphs you wrote out loud to yourself. Do they flow? If not, revise.
The problem lies in how you're expressing your stream of thought. You jump around, with no connection in between, with no expansion upon your previous statements. You move from being at ease with himself to being impatient with family members, to being absentminded. How is he at ease with himself? When is he impatient? In what specific circumstances is he absentminded? You want to move away from giving statements - explain in depth instead.
Show, don't tell. Expand.
Revise again, but this time, pick a few attributes to back up and go into detail about. At the very least, double the length of what you have already.
Oh, and how is the Lev Grossman book coming along? (Saying that your day was "boring" isn't a very adequate description of how your last 24 hours were, by the way).