Tic-tacs are made in a factory, and the tic-tac's color and flavor depends on which machine it is made at. Same with humans. Their race and attitude depends on who they were born to. Then, you can chose to live your life quick and fun, or long and boring. With tic-tacs, you can either get intense flavor for a few minutes, or you can get minimal flavor for a few days. Also, tic-tacs are sorted into groups based on their flavor, sometimes mixing. We people sort ourselves into friend groups, based on interests. But sometimes, our life ends early because of an unexpected event, like a car crash. Tic-tacs can spill, and there will be no more to eat. But sometimes, if you are really willing to, you can pick up the tic-tacs and eat them, but with a slightly worse taste. With us humans, we can get back up, with a few injuries.
"Tic-tacs are made in a factory, and _their_ color and flavor..." You don't want to have two "tic-tacs" in the same sentence. Use a pronoun instead.
ReplyDeleteAlso, find a perspective and stick with it. You switch from third person ("Same with humans.") to second person ("you can choose to live...") to first-person ("We people..."). Imagine if I was talking about the movie I saw last night, and I said, "So, these bunch of guys went to see Citizen Kane last night, and we really liked it, and you disagreed with them."
Doesn't make much sense, right? That's why you want to be careful about your perspectives.
Sounds good... anyway, we're going to move away from descriptions for a bit, and do something with a plot. Write a short story (500+ words) beginning with the sentence, "The rain stopped."
Best of luck,
Hans