Tuesday, July 27, 2010
My Tuna Sandwich
Today, my grandparents had to go pick up some prescriptions, so they couldn't make lunch for me. I decided to make the wonderful, delicious tuna-fish sandwich. I started by opening the great looking tuna can with a can opener that just felt perfect when held. As I slowly turned the knob of the can opener to open the tuna can, amazing fishy scents filled the room and made me mad with anticipation. After the can was halfway open, I dumped all of the liquids out. It reminded me of a waterfall. When all the liquids were finally out, I put the amazing chunks of tuna into a bowl. I got out mayonnaise, mustard, relish, and bread. Right after that, I mixed the tuna, mayonnaise, relish, and mustard together and tasted the concoction. It was the perfect filling for a tuna sandwich. With a very fine spoon, I scooped all of it out and plopped it onto the soft, white bread. With much apprehension, I closed the two slices of bread together and took my first bite. It was paradise. There was chewy, crunchy, squishy, and liquidy all in one bite. There was the perfect amount of everything. To finish this delightful experience, I dumped some juice into my cup and drank it. The juice was perfect too. This all made the most perfect lunch ever.
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I like the description, but make sure not to overdo it either. You'll get a feel for the right balance as you write more.
ReplyDeleteFor example, "a can opener that just felt perfect when held." Um... okay? Instead of lavishing praise on the handle, maybe just steer the description in anotehr direction? "It was worn, battered, and old, but still fit in my hand like an old friend." Of course, that's overdoing it too, and in this case I wouldn't choose to describe it at all, but I want you to move away from synonyms of "wonderful"
After all, they just mean the same thing as "good," right? "Delightful", "wonderful," "amazing," "brilliant," and "perfect" are all too general. You can use them but VERY sparingly - for now concentrate on what feelings are evoked beyond just "it was good." You use that word so much here that the reader gets the feeling the sum of your existence lives entirely for the sake of sandwiches.
That being said, I do like how you turned a boring event into something descriptive - in this case though, you just overcompensated to the point where the reader might think you're being ironic. Write what you really feel, not whatever's the easiest way to describe something.
Oh, and what book are you on?
Task for today: find any news article online, and write a two-paragraph analysis of it. Give the link, and assume that I've already read it. No summarizing either! You cannot use the word/synonym of "interesting," or the phrase "I would recommend." It can't be first-person, so you can't say "I".
This is a lot of rules, I know, but it's what you're going to face in the school year. Happy hunting!