Bob is an average guy, about 5"5'. He has an outgoing attitude that always seems to get him into trouble with his boss. Extraordinary things always seem to happen to him. One such thing was winning the lottery, three times. That's why he doesn't work anymore. He doesn't know, but today amazing things would happen to him.
It would seem like a completely normal day at first. He woke up to an alarm with what he thought of as the most annoying and uncomfortable sound on earth. It signals his awakening. This horrible process starts with Bob slowly and painfully turning onto his front. Then the hardest part - getting up. He slowly curls up into a ball and, with much effort, uses his arms to push himself up into a standing position. Then, he jumps off the bed to get his muscles moving and walks downstairs. He eats a breakfast of eggs and pancakes and goes downstairs to check his email, blog, and play video games.
Usually he never checks his spam, but today he did because he wants to delete them. There is one message that catches his eye. It says, "This is a Virus". Bob knows that a actual virus wouldn't say that it is a virus. He hesitates for a few seconds then he clicks the spam.
(suspense) (I am reading The Story Of My Life and something I forgot... Also, is the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy supposed to suddenly end before the story ends? I'm pretty sure I know the story(I watched the movie) unless the movie is completely different.
I am anxiously waiting to hear the rest of the story. I am wondering if this lucky Bob will lose his fortune by a single click of the spam email.
ReplyDelete"He doesn't know, but today amazing things would happen to him"
ReplyDelete--- Hum... I would expect this sentence to be better written. It is an important sentence, as it serves both as a transitional and a topic sentences.
I like the concept behind "This is a virus," and I'm looking forward to what happens!
ReplyDeleteYou don't want to start off the story with something like, "Bob is an average guy, about 5"5'." Using numbers to describe his height sounds wooden and too analytical. Use more descriptive terms! Lanky, of medium build, humdrum, nondescript, a bore - they are all better words you can use.
See, you don't want to start off talking about how _average_ Bob looks. You want to talk about what sets him apart from other people, how to distinguish him in a crowd. Otherwise, the reader is left with a fuzzy, bland image - not very fun at all.
Another thing is that you're writing in present tense, which if handled incorrectly, can be extremely awkward. You can write the rest in present tense, but in the future, I'd suggest staying with past tense. Turn "Then, he jumps off the bed to get his muscles moving and walks downstairs." into "Then, he jump(ed) off the bed to get his muscles moving and walk(ed) downstairs."
About 97% of literary works are written in past tense, and for good reason. Present tense is much more limited in its scope, and the writer is more constrained.
As for your opening, I'd say that you take too much time setting up the scene. It is only in the last paragraph that the plot actually begins, and while straight up exposition is expected in full-length novels, it serves as dead weight in short stories. In a work of your length, every line should set up and advance the plot. Unless Bob's difficulty in getting out of the bed in the morning is extremely relevant to the plot, or you consciously wanted to provide a contrast between the mundanity of his life with the extraordinary events that would later take place, it holds the story back for now.
For example, look at The Hitchhiker's Guide's opening. It's very similar to yours: Arthur Bent also has difficulty getting out of bed. But it serves a purpose and is not just pure description and expositions - it introduces the bulldozer that would knock down his house the next chapter. Adams also creates humor by contrasting Arthur's hangover and sludgy mind with the imminent destruction of his property.
"At eight o’clock on Thursday morning Arthur didn’t feel very good. He woke up blearily, got up, wandered blearily round his room, opened a window, saw a bulldozer, found his slippers, and stomped off to the bathroom to wash.
Toothpaste on the brush—so. Scrub.
Shaving mirror—pointing at the ceiling. He adjusted it. For a moment it reflected a second bulldozer through the bathroom window. Properly adjusted, it reflected Arthur Dent’s bristles. He shaved them off, washed, dried and stomped off to the kitchen to find something pleasant to put in his mouth.
Kettle, plug, fridge, milk, coffee. Yawn."
Look at the last sentence. Its conciseness and clipped tone displays the bleariness of getting up early in the morning.