The most memorable experience in Boston was probably going to the beach the second time.
The first time I went to the beach really gave me a good impression of Boston's beaches. The sand was fine and the water was as warm as a piece of paper on a summer day. This time, I knew that the beach would be somewhat the same. I sprinted towards the water as fast as a rabbit chased by a wolf. Of course, today, the water was low tide and the run was longer than I expected. I was as tired as a marathon runner by the time I got to the water. The water was, as I expected, warm. It was still cold, but it was a lot warmer than California waters. Me and my sister jumped the waves, crashing down to the ocean floor occasionally. After that, I carried my cousin to play in the waves. She was as excited as a dog on a salami chase. I carried her pretty deep in the ocean and I noticed on the ocean floor, there is a layer of water as cold as ice. It is a lot colder than the water above it. Suddenly, I heard my name. I turned and saw my aunt holding a giant clam the size of my fist. I waddled back and started picking up clams. I suddenly realized how much clams were in the sand. There were as many clams in an inch of sand as there are people in the world (not really). We dug for about thirty minutes and we got around fifty clams. I was amazed by the amount of clams we got. We took four gallons of sea water and went home.
Write about anything you want next post! Your goal is to just make it as interesting as you can. Oh, and it has to be at least two full length paragraphs.
ReplyDelete"The most memorable experience in Boston was probably going to the beach the second time." <---Using the word "probably" is a bad habit (and one I'm guilty of as well). Change to "My most memorable experience in Boston was the second time I went to the beach.
"The first time I went to the beach really gave me a good impression of Boston's beaches. " <---You used "beaches" twice in the same sentence. Change to "My first trip to Boston's beaches gave me a good impression - the sand was fine and the water was as a warm as sunlight."
"I sprinted towards the water as fast as a rabbit chased by a wolf." <--- Awkward use of similes. it doesn't belong, and it's cliche.
"When I saw the shoreline, I sprinted towards the water at full speed. But the water was low tide and the _distance_ (works better than "run") was longer than I expected, so I was dog-tired by the time I actually got to the water."
The water was, as I expected, warm. It was still cold, but it was a lot warmer than California waters." <---Redundant phrasing. Change a bit?
"there is a layer of water as cold as ice. It is a lot colder than the water above it." <---What's another way of saying or combining these two sentences?
" I turned and saw my aunt holding a giant clam the size of my fist. I waddled back and started picking up clams. I suddenly realized how much clams were in the sand. " <---Three consecutive sentences that start with "I," which you want to avoid.
There were as many clams in an inch of sand as there are people in the world (not really)." <===Find a better simile? It's not effective if you have to take it back as soon as you say it.
"We dug for about thirty minutes and we got around fifty clams. I was amazed by the amount of clams we got. We took four gallons of sea water and went home." I'd say in this one to do a bit more describing. Also, never use the word "got." Be more specific! Dug, received, found, discovered, were rewarded by, etc. etc. all are better words.
All in all, pretty good, though you want to watch how you use your metaphors/similes. Make sure they're not cliched - make sure they work and belong in the sentence. Oh, and what book are you on right now?