First person: Asian, male, has a few kids.
His story: He was born to a middle-class family of 4, including him. He grew up in Seattle, Washington when he was a kid. One day in college, two kids dropped out from the sky and a voice appeared out of nowhere saying "Here you go!" He kept them. One day, he went out to find a dragon, and when he was in Boston, he saw a Chinese kid staring at him through a window. He thought that that kids life would never be as interesting as his.
Second person: American, male, few kids.
His story: He grew up in a very poor household with no other children in the house. Therefore, he was always shirtless. He also had to bike everywhere, as he didn't have a car. He grew up and became very rich. He had a wife and two kids. Because of the Roast Turkey Effect, he always thought he was still poor and always biked too. One day, he came upon people in a car. He thought about how rich they were compared to him then realized that he was too. He went back home after that.
Hm... Where did you hear about the Roasted Turkey Effect from me again?
ReplyDeleteThe main thing about your above two is that they're too random. There's no logic connecting them; you jump from kids dropping out of the sky to dragons to a Chinese kid. It's like telling the story of Harry Potter and then suddenly switching to Cinderella right in the middle.
Randomness is a legitimate tool of writing - but it should be used deliberately, not because you don't have anything else to say. If you really want your stories to develop actual _meaning_, then you're going to have to actually sit down and think about what you're going to write - not just think, "Oh, I don't know... let's throw in a dragon."
Anyways, I think the problem right now is that there isn't enough space in your limited posts to fully develop a story/description, etc. So I'm asking you to begin a four-part story post, updating and continuing each day. Treat it as one piece that you're writing continually over the course of four days. The story can be about anything you want - just make it detailed and logical and above all - show, don't tell! (Oh, and no mentions of yo-yo's please =)
But the main thing is this: I want you to plot out the main plotline four days ahead of time, so that you know the ending before you even start writing. And make it down-to-earth and set in reality this time, hm? I'll make you a pact: if you can write a believable story, I'll write you back a story the same length as yours on whatever topic you choose. Sound about fair?
Completely agree with tutor's comments. A well thought-out storyline is very important. Without this storyline, you drive your readers to random places with no purpose and clear destination :-(
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