Bob immediately picked up the phone and called 911. The people there said that this has happened to many other people today and they were already on the case. Bob gave them the name the robber gave and put down the phone. The case would have to be solved by Bob. He searched up the name and found the real name of Buockett Muce - of course they would give Bob the fake name - to find his location. He pinpointed the address of Buockett Muce and drove to his location, London. When he put the address into the GPS, it said that the address was invalid. The only choice Bob had was to ask around. First he asked for the city's location, then the street's location. After much walking, he got to the street, but saw that there was a big hole where Buockett Muce's house would have been. Naturally curious, Bob decided to go into the hole. In the hole there was a huge tunnel. And at the end of the tunnel was Buockett Muce. Bob asked him why he stole all this stuff. He said that he sold it all to get enough money. It was proposed to hand over some of the money, but Buockett Muce refused. There was only one choice left, and that was offensive actions. Bob lunged toward Buockett Muce.
I think you could improve your story right now if you added more description. Right now, you're telling us the plot, as in: This happened. And then that happened. And then that happened again.
ReplyDelete"First he asked for the city's location, then the street's location. After much walking, he got to the street, but saw that there was a big hole where Buockett Muce's hosue would have been."
You're basically telling us what happens - but we're not really _feeling_ the storyline because you don't give us enough for our imaginations to work with.
"The GPS led him to an obscure, lonely street - one of those that seemed out of the ways and in the backwaters of the city. He walked along the pavement, a little apprehensive, a little nervous. What would he find? A sinister den of thievery? A shady apartment complex?
But when he arrived, there was nothing but a giant gaping hole where Muce's house should have been. It was as if an enormous hand had taken an ice-cream scooper to the ground."
You want to be more descriptive - you want the reader to have a mental image of what's going on - not just a basic understanding of the plotline.
In your next and last part, I want you to use at least four simile/metaphors, as well as four sentences of pure description.
Also, think about how you can use your sentences with the most economic efficiency. If you can say something with one sentence, do so. Avoid redundant phrases.
"In the hole there was a huge tunnel. And at the end of the tunnel was Muce."
...could be combined to: "Bob jumped into the hole, landing a little awkwardly on his knees. Directly in front of him was a large, dank tunnel - one that led directly to Muce."
Also, you said, "Bob asked him why he stole all this stuff."
Never use the word, "stuff." If you can be specific, do so - "stuff" is much too general. Also avoid the word "things."
Anyway, keep up the good work. Oh, and how are you books going? Your next assignment is a formalized book report, so think deeply about the book as you're reading right now. Ask yourself questions. Do you like this book? Why? What message is the author trying to get across (if any message at all?) What sets this author apart from others? What similarities does he have with others? What _specific_ writing style does he have? Do you notice any patterns/motifs/themes? If you were writing the book, what would you do differently?
A good book report will answer all of those questions in a natural, flowing way, so I want you to keep all of them in mind as you're reading.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete