I started poking her. She looked at me with her deep brown eyes like I was some kind of mad man and was very bewildered of the strangeness. She asked, "why are you poking me?!?!" I told her that I was creating an event for my blog. She was bewildered. Complaining is one of her specialties, so she used it here. "MAMA, Andy's poking me." My mom was already used to this, so she just nodded it off. Then, my sister took off, running. I decided to pretend to be a ninja, just for the fun of it. I jumped out of a wall while yelling as my sister rounded the corner, so she screamed and ran the other way, her black hair flying behind her. I ran the opposite direction, the cold ground under my feet and jumped out again, a little too early. But she was still frightened of my poking skills. This time, I ran after her. She thought I would just stop and turn back again, so she stopped and turned around. On her face was a look of pure terror. With a yelp, she ran again. I knew I was out of options. All my tricks and ploys were used. I decided to go upstairs and watch her run. She ran one extra lap, and quickly became suspicious. Just then, My mom called her to go upstairs to sleep. Relieved, she gave an OK and followed my mom up. I jumped to cover and laid down, flat as a pancake, planning my next move. I decided to stay there. My plan was to lay there and let her jump in surprise when she noticed me. Of course, life isn't fair and my plan didn't go as I planned. When she saw me, She started laughing, almost like it was an inside joke. OH. It was an inside joke. A while ago, I hid in the exact same place and she couldn't find me for decades. When she came upstairs, she nearly stepped on me. Her laugh was the same as it was a few years ago, like crystal clear water in a stream. It was a trickle, not a thunderous roar. I decided my work here was done, and I started this blog.
Haha, very amusing. Sorry this comment is coming late btw, I just got back from LA. Anyway, getting down to business:
ReplyDelete"I went downstairs while thinking about what to do, then I got the best idea ever." <---I went downstairs while think about what to do, _when/before_ I got the best idea ever.
"She looked at me with her deep brown eyes like I was some kind of mad man and was very bewildered of the strangeness." <---This is a slightly awkward sentence and I'd revise it, but the main thing is to change to "was very bewildered _by_ my strange behavior."
Aside from sentence structure, I would break this story up into different paragraphs. It makes it much more easier to read... In fact, you should -never- write in large chunks like this; you should always use paragraphs.
"Her laugh was the same as it was a few years ago, like crystal clear water in a stream. It was a trickle, not a thunderous roar." <---I like the fact that you used descriptive language, but it's not quite fluent here. Why would you have to tell us that a girl's voice doesn't sound like "a thunderous roar"? Don't worry, you'll get the hang of good metaphors/similes later on.
By the way, in the future, if I don't reply/comment on your posts, then you can assume that your assignment is to write a 350+ post on anything you want. You can't rely on me to dole out assignments one by one (or hope that I might slip up and forget a day), so you'll have to learn to develop a habit of writing everyday no matter what.
Also: I thought you'd find this interesting: http://blog.patrickrothfuss.com/2010/08/fanmail-qa-revision/#comments
It's a blogpost by Rothfuss, the author of The Name of the Wind, who's working on the second book right now. It describes his revision process.
So your assignment for today: Compare James' letter before and after Rothfuss' revision. Describe, sentence by sentence, every single detail that changed, and why Rothfuss' chose to change/revise it.